Melbourne Cup week is approaching fast with that air of excitement resonating throughout racegoers which can be a dangerous thing over the course of a long week if not bottled up properly.
Read our survival guide for the Melbourne Cup and the days leading up so that you can make it to the races on Stakes day with your dignity and cash in hand.
Derby Day Eve
Albeit the first day it is arguably also the most important day for punters with a big week of racing ahead of you it’s important not to go too hard too early.
5PM: Jump on to see what price Kaonic is for the Carbine as you think he is a ‘moral’, realise he is scratched and think to yourself that you’ve kicked off with a winner already getting your money back.
6PM: Start doing the form for Moonee Valley.
7PM: Head to the Valley for a quite night and a few bets to try and build a bank for the week. Tell yourself you’re not drinking.
8PM: After backing a few winners you find yourself on the beers, but you’ve mad a nice bank so you deserve it. Grab a sandwich from the cafe as you’re on a health kick tonight.
9PM: You’ve had a few beers and the winners are drying up, but there’s a well backed Smerdon horse in the last which will get your bank back. Your mates tell you to come out but you decline promptly.
11PM: You’re ten beers down and find yourself on a tram entering the city for ‘a few more drinks’
4AM: You and your mates are wasted, you are joking about having to get up early to get ready for Derby Day in between the cries and cheers as your mates and you back some winners and losers at Crown on trackside.
6AM: After getting some Chinese from the Crown food court you arrive home, look at yourself in the mirror and say ‘you’ll be right’ you just need to back some winners early to perk yourself up.
10AM: Get woken up by your mates calling you to ask what time you are leaving. Jump on your phone to check scratchings.
11AM: Get dressed into your suit. Jump on youtube and find a how to tie a tie video.
12 Noon: Backed your first loser for the carnival and rue the fact Kaonic was scratched cause he would have ‘donkey licked them’.
12PM: Still haven’t backed a winner and you are looking to get out already on the 20 horse Coolmore Stud Stakes…
3PM: You’re well on your way to being legless by now and you’ve lost any desire to do the form as you and your mates have been organising the quaddie for the past two hours, so you just back Derby specialist Hugh Bowman.
4PM: Spend at least 30minutes telling everyone how much you’ve dropped on Tom Melbourne over the past year and how he is bound to run second today.
4:30PM: Back Tom Melbourne in the Kennedy Mile.
5PM: Rue backing Tom Melbourne and try and get out by backing four horses in the last.
5:30PM: You have had way too much to drink and you’ve had an absolute shocker of a day on the punt but you tell everyone you broke even.
7:00PM: You’ve spent the last hour and a half wondering around the outside of the racecourse hearing everyone talk about their winners in which you go silent. You have nearly worked out a vague plan for the night.
7:30PM: Get a taxi to your mates whilst checking the Melbourne Cup Field on your phone, pretty soon after you start giving your mates tips for the race despite not backing a winner all day.
8PM: Order pizzas and try and work out who’s paying what as no one has money left after a shocker of a day.
10PM: Somehow you’ve made your way back to Crown with a few mates the ones with G/F’s have all disappeared.
1AM: You’re still at Crown with a group of old blokes who also wen’t to the races. You’ve spent three hours talking about your bad beats with them because they are happy to listen.
4AM: You’ve spent the last three hours taking wide trifecta’s at racecourses from South Africa to France.
5AM: You make a dash for the food court for some Chinese and you rush to a cab to get out before the old blokes spot you leaving.
1PM: Wake-up and check for your wallet and phone then login and check your bank balance. Fall back asleep on the couch.
4PM: Wake-up for the second time. And start doing the form for Cup day.
11PM: You head back to bed after moping around the house feeling like death for the past seven hours.
8AM: Wake-up and get ready for work.
9AM-5PM: Tell everyone at work you had a good day at Derby Day and cleaned up, you give out tips for Cup day to everyone as you’re the office ‘Racing Guru’.
6PM: Get home from work and spend the night watching replays of past Melbourne Cups to get in the zone.
11PM: Head to bed but struggle to sleep with Xmas the next day. Reply to a few mates asking for the Cup winner.
7AM: Wake-up and start cooking your usual Cup day bacon and eggs for ‘good luck’
8AM: Check the scratchings and find half the ones you like are now out.
8AM-10AM: Reply to every man and dog you know asking for the Cup winner including your Mum who really just wants a chat.
10AM: Head to the track knowing you’ll clean up despite the huge open fields.
11AM: You go hard despite a big field of 2YO’s with little to no form thinking you can back an early winner on Cup day.
12AM-2PM: Use the world ‘Lottery’ and ‘Dartboard’ more times than you have done since Cup day last year whilst you stand in a line for what seems like hours to get your bets on.
2PM: Start making your way to the lawn to get a spot for the Cup.
2:30PM: End up 10m back from the fence standing on someones Picnic blanket.
2:30PM-3PM: You’ve instantly become best friends with the people around you and you spend the next thirty minutes discussing who you have backed to win Cup.
3PM: Spend the next three minutes moving around your area trying to view the big screen as you have no idea what is happening in the race.
3:04PM: The race is over, you have no idea who won and neither does anyone around you. You try and listen to any horse name to try and piece together the race.
3:10PM: You finally see the result, you didn’t back the winner but you have a pocket full of mistery trifectas that you now have to go through one by one to see if you have recouped some of the losses for the day.
4PM: The crowd has died down, you’ve had a few too many beers and you’re locked on your phone screen trying to do the form for the last few races to try and get your first winner for the day but you are on a 3G signal and nothing is loading.
5PM: Still no winners and you decide to sit out of the last race so you can afford a few more beers and a feed.
5:30PM: You see the result of the last and you realise you’ve circled it in the book as your horse to back. You don’t know if you’re sad or angry.
7PM: Back at home you say to yourself you are done punting for awhile whilst studying the form for Oaks day.
10PM: Head to bed. You relive all the bad beats for the last two days of racing thinking what it could have been but you can’t wait until next year.